The last time I wrote something here, I promised a review of Iris Gris, L’Iris de Fath, and Scent of Hope. That piece is partially written. A big theme in it is “why didn’t I do it before?” and after cutting through all the bullshit and excuses, the simple answer is because I didn’t want to.

Over the past year, I’ve come to accept that wanting or not wanting to do something is reason enough. I claim this for myself, and I respect when other people invoke it. We spend far too much time, effort, and words trying to explain why we have feelings, preferences, and desires. We frame our urges and inclinations in terms of external factors, believing that that makes them more noble or palatable.

People-pleasing is a hell of a drug. A lot of what we label ‘perfectionism’ and ‘consideration’ is really insecurity and fear of rejection. What if we redirected the energy we use analyzing and justifying all our mundane life choices into doing more of the things that bring us joy and satisfaction? Your personal happiness shows in your health, your work, and your relationships. It’s worth pursuing and protecting.

Perfume Things

Most of my perfume bottles have been packed away for weeks (months?) as I moved across the country. Now that I’m here, I haven’t found a cabinet that I want for storage, so they’ve stayed in the moving boxes. I kept out a huge bag of samples, thinking that this would be the perfect time to try them. Instead, I find myself not wearing perfume at all. I don’t forget; I look at the bag of samples and it’s an assemblage of other people’s choices, and I don’t want that for myself. More than ever, I want only what I feel a connection with, only that which I’ve chosen to acquire and retain.

This morning I woke up wanting to wear perfume. The samples are easily accessible, but I wanted something that would reconnect me with the “good old days” of these endless bad times. Back to 2020, when the world was full of uncertainty. At that time, much of our anxiety and loss of control were related to hypothetical “what-ifs.” Now we know, and the realities are uglier than many of us imagined. Having no idea what would happen was uncomfortable, but it left more room for hope and optimism. As time goes on, I often find myself feeling nostalgic for the naïveté and ignorance that I had back then.

In 2020 I wore Miss Dior (the vintage formulation) a lot. These were times when I felt I needed my choices to carry a solid certainty. Miss Dior is absolutely lovely; it’s not the most complex or thrilling or beautiful perfume that I own, but it delivers reliable satisfaction. I’ve never regretted putting it on, and on days when I felt like I couldn’t possibly handle another letdown, it was comfortably dependable.

Now more than ever, I long for familiarity and consistency. Although I’m enjoying my new adventures, I feel a pressing need to establish and protect rituals, spaces, and relationships. Like the spinning totem in Inception, I need things I can see and touch to know that I’m still present, conscious, and real. I need to feel the solidity of other real things, and to know that I can connect to them in these bewildering, hallucinatory times.

So today I opened a big box and unwrapped perfume bottles until I found Miss Dior Eau de Cologne. It’s green and mossy, elegant and austere. Every bit as good as before, maybe even a little bit better here in the California sunshine.

If you’re only familiar with the never-ending modern varieties of Miss Dior, the vintage is a galbanum chypre. It’s not playful or sexy or flashy; vintage Miss Dior is dignified and self-assured, she just exists genuinely and doesn’t give a shit about the latest trends, and I love that for her.

I have a very smart friend who theorizes that people are making throwaway choices right now. The idea is that everything we’re doing and consuming is a placeholder, because we are hoping to later flush and forget everything that is happening now. It’s assumed that we will want to discard any reminders. In the perfume community, people often talk about not wanting to “ruin” their faves by wearing them during unpleasant events, so this may be correct.

My own experience has been different though. I find myself compelled to curate my life so that the little things that remain under my control are intentional and pleasing. I feel an urgency to pursue the highest levels of satisfaction. Otherwise, what’s the point of expending the little energy I have left after just existing in this timeline? I want what I want, and find it increasingly difficult to accept substitutes. I value quality in everything more than ever now, and if that is lacking, I’m willing to pass entirely.

I actively work at creating good memories and carefully tucking them away for later. I might need a stash of good memories from this era to sustain me in a future that looks increasingly bleak. The things that we are experiencing now will stain our thoughts forever. If these are the dark days, I want to be able to look back and see the people and experiences that punctuated the despair. I want to remember that I did things to keep my spark alive in the storm. More than ever, I feel like it’s essential to do everything you can to experience pleasure, joy, love, and connection. It’s time to wear your best perfume.